Writing Challenge: Starting Over

I’ve just seen this challenge, and, even though it’s from last week and I’m a little late, I thought I’d give it a try.

There are moments when you wish your life had a restart button, moments when you decide that you want to change your life, moments when you make plans for the future, in order to start over. That is not starting over.

Most of these moments, you think you have to let something in the past in order to start over. You have to make a new blog and forget about the old one, because you want to ‘start over’. You think that something has to end in order for something else to begin. But you forget one thing: it’s not up to you to make them end, or to leave them in the past. They are already in the past, and they can’t be removed from there. You, however, are in the present. You are not tied to them anymore. If you repeat your past, it is not because you are stuck in it, it is because you choose to do the same actions in the present.

Starting over is a succession of little steps towards a better life. It rarely is a huge, difficult, scary step. It can mean picking up all those dirty clothes lying on the floor, making a phone call, going out for a walk or shutting down the computer.

Starting over is now. Not tomorrow, not in five minutes.

Probleme, dileme, decizii, probleme

Tocmai mi-am descoperit un talent (pe care, daca stau sa ma gandesc, il am de mult timp): cel de a crea probleme. Capul meu e plin de dileme care nu exista in lumea reala, pe care daca incerc sa le transmit ma balbai si caut cuvinte pentru a explica ceva ce nu are aproape niciun sens. Inventez scenarii complexe, in care evenimente destul de improbabile devin aproape sigure, in care o singura posibilitate se transforma intr-o certitudine. Cred ca imi place, de fapt, sa creez povesti in care circumstantele ma lasa pe mine cu o singura varianta, fara sa trebuiasca sa aleg pe ce drum sa o iau. Celelalte ar fi niste scenarii bune, nu? In care eu sa am decizia finala, si totul sa iasa cum vreau eu. Pentru mine, decizii care ma ghideaza, incet, spre un colt de unde nu mai pot sa merg nicaieri, asteptand doar ca evenimentele sa isi urmeze cursul dat de alegerile altora, par mai bune decat cele care ma duc spre noi usi, geamuri, coridoare intortocheate de unde sa nu mai stii pe unde sa o iei.

Cel putin, asa a fost pana azi. Tocmai am facut o mica decizie pe care, daca o urmez pana la capat, ma poate duce inspre noi si noi optiuni. Ramane de vazut, cine stie ce usa sau fereastra sau iesire de urgenta voi alege, poate chiar ma voi intoarce in coltul meu sigur. Pana atunci astept pentru ca, bineinteles, problemele din capul meu sunt mereu in viitor, cele din prezent sunt prea reale pentru mine.

Stories a room can tell

Today’s promptExplore the room you’re in as if you’re seeing it for the first time. Pretend you know nothing. What do you see? Who is the person who lives there?

From the moment I enter this small room, I am sure it belongs to a girl. Even without the girly magazines, jewellery and clothes that seem to be all over the room, you can just tell it’s the place where a teenage girl spends a lot of time. Even as I stand in the doorway and scan this room, I can see it is a personally decorated one, and I am sure that as I’ll get closer and look at this space more carefully, I am going to discover more and more things about the person living here.

The first thing I can guess about her is that she is either lazy or messy, or maybe both. The single bed on the left is unmade, with a book and clothes that seem to have been carelessly thrown on it, and the most random things are sitting on the bedside table, as well as on the desk. Books, magazines, glasses of water, a polka-dotted kettle, coins, body lotions and medicines are just a few of the many things she seems to have left on the tables and just forgotten about them. Near the laptop on the desk there are some maths books and what looks like an unfinished homework.

Right before I am about to jugde her and just assume she is messy and disorganised, I look around the rest of the room, which consists in some shelves and a tall drawer. I’m pretty sure that if I opened the drawer, even if there were a secret door to Narnia, it would be blocked by a pile of clothes and possibly other things that have nothing to do there. The shelves, however, are the ones that catch my attention. They seem to be the only place in this room where this girl doesn’t throw the stuff she no longer uses. On the shelf above the bed, there are many stuffed toys, boxes, candles and a plant, and on the one above the desk there are many books that, although not arranged in alphabetical order, look like they still are in a particular, less obvious order. Even though there is nothing that says ‘conservative’ or ‘traditional’ about this room (even the colour palette is a bit odd: orange and some sort of pistachio-green), the shelves suggest that everything has actually been put in a specific order, and the mess is only a result of hurry or laziness, but definitely not one of carelessness.

As I turn around to exit the room, I notice a cork board near the door, which reveals, once again, the essence of this room: it looks as if, in the beginning, things used to be smartly organised, both practical and pleasantly looking, and over time stuff just added up, filling the small empty spaces in a hurried, not so organised way. I’m thinking maybe this is what happens with people’s minds, too (at least my own): they become too crowded with all the small things, and once in a while we really need to sort everything out and throw away what we don’t need anymore. But that is a different story, one that doesn’t belong to this room, or to this post.

Sense vs. Sensibility

Dear Heart,

Why do you keep screwing everything up, everytime I manage to get us on a floating line? Why, when I find a little happiness for both of us, you quickly rip it into little pieces and throw them away, one by one? Don’t you realise I am trying to make everything better for both of us, for more than just three days of fun and carelessness? And then you come with your unrealistic hopes, turning every good thought of mine into a fairytale that is probably never going to happen and every remotely bad news into worst case scenarios. Would you, please, stop being so overreacting and just do what I tell you? Because, clearly, everytime I let you do what you want you just get us both down, and I am always the one who has to pick us up.

I get it, you like to do your little dance everytime you see him. I like it, too, everytime I come up with some stupid joke and he’s the one who gets it. And I know that your beats are in sync with his, and you’ve never felt anything like this before. But just because you’ve never met anyone else with beats that match yours doesn’t mean you never will. There are plenty of other hearts that might even have more beautiful rythms than his, so why do you choose to settle for what you know, why are you so scared of trying something new? You have to learn that life is full of risks, and just as I take risks almost everyday, however big or small, you have to do so, too, at least once in a while.

Also, you have to be the one who believes that things happen just the way they are meant to, because I can’t. I need evidence of everything, I need to understand things in order to believe them. But you don’t. You have the privilege to believe everything, to fantasize about princes on white horses, about stories that would trash any romantic comedy you’ve ever seen, so why do you insist that him singing ‘Romeo and Juliet’ to you would be the most romantic thing ever?

So please, Heart, listen to me at least this once, and let go. There’s nothing wrong with beating on your own for a while, and I assure you that you are strong enough to do it, so enjoy this freedom while you can, because you never know when someone new might come and make you dance in ways you never imagined. And you don’t want to miss that for a boy who, frankly, doesn’t even want you anymore. We’ll always be a team, but for the sake of us both, you need to let me take the lead for now. And I promise, when your time comes, I’ll let you make us both dance.

                                                                                                                 Sincerely,

                                                                                                                  Brain

2012

New beginnings are great, but they also mean that something has ended. And while, of course, we must move on and look forward, we also have to acknowledge and remember what has been. So this post is in memory of 2012, probably my most intense, challenging and full of new experiences year so far. 

The first three months are already kind of blurry to me, with few really special events. I remember my birthday anniversary, when I received probably the most touching birthday wish, I vaguely remember some of the parties I went to and the fact that I went out with my friends a lot. Basically, three relatively calm, happy months, excitedly waiting for the summer, just like when you get on a rollercoaster, waiting for the fun to begin. 

What I didn’t know was that this rollercoaster wouldn’t go the way I expected, they never do. The fun part was going to come eventually, but not before a few bumps, downhill falls and upside-down loops that leave you dizzy, scared and unsure whether there will be a fun part anymore. In other words, I got dumped. And, after weeks of crying at home, at parties, at my ex’s home and probably many other places, the summer came, along with fun trips packed with jokes, dancing, alcohol, great friends and even some new butterflies in my damaged stomach. So, what I thought would be a sad, boring summer turned out to be the awesomest I ever had! 

The last months were calmer, with the occasional bumps, a few unstable moments, but with more optimism and positivity. By the end of the ride, I had the chance to realise how much it has changed me, how all the hard moments brought out all the strenght I didn’t even know I had in me, and how great my friends were, even when I sucked. 

So, cheers to this great year that taught me a lot and allowed me to grow and get to know myself better! And now, I can’t wait to see what 2013 will bring, and whether it’s going to be another adrenaline-packed rollercoaster or a sweet, calm merry-go-round. I can only hope it will be better than last year, and that it will allow me to grow even more.

Modernism

Modernism

Neconventional. Relativ nou, ceva ce unii nu ar intelege. Ceva cu diferite interpretari si intelesuri ascunse, sau nu. Cu un pic de romantism, un pic de melancolie simbolista, dar prea putin traditionalism: noi respectam doar regulile noastre. Uneori foarte frumos, uneori greu de inteles, plin de contradictii, uneori dezvaluindu-ne pe noi prin micile detalii. Ceva nedefinit, nu intotdeauna foarte clar, nascut dintr-un amestec de prietenie, iubire stinsa si amestecata pana cand nu mai stii ce e, chimie, un pic de inconstienta, curaj, tinerete, hormoni de adolescenti, curiozitate.